We can feel so helpless, discouraged and hopeless when we face alarming situations with our children. We tend to mindlessly react and later realise that this was not the way.
I love the movie Patch Adams with Robin Williams. He really made every person feel special and belonging. Every Misbehaviour of a patient was addressed with love. Patch saw that people had not only physical wounds- but deep emotional wounds and he acted from a place of open-heartedness.
What Our Children Need
Our children need to feel safe, understood and connected in order to grow into their destiny. So how can we be this for them?
Let’s first bring some awareness into this mix. When our children act out and ‘misbehave’ (I put this in italics because I don’t believe in using that word) it is a flag for us ta ask ourselves what is really behind the behaviour. According to Rudolf Dreikus, “a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”
This was an Aha moment. Just stop at that and let that sink in for a moment. If every time your child acts up- and you think “ah they must be feeling discouraged” see how that quickly changes your perspective and feelings. We soften and our hearts open. This is the place to respond from.
Roots of our Reactions
Now, this leads me to further investigate why do I react the way? I know not to react at my work, or to other adults- why with my children when they are, for instance fighting with each other or being mean (watch the video below on Roots of Our Triggers), but for now, it is worth the mention to ask yourself this. Because I am a strong believer that everyone and every situation mirror our inner state. When embraced in this way, all of Life is teaching us and helping us grow and evolve. This holds true for my children as well. They are my spiritual teachers too.
When we react (from our inner triggers exploding) this is always based on fear, and that bit of us responds in mindless ways. However, don’t feel discouraged…This response is also due to the way our brains are put together. Yep – when we feel threatened we go into a freak-out mode where our calm, empathic and rational bit gets taken over by our instinctual part of the brain, and we either fight back, freeze or run away.
This same thing happens to our children- so when we go into ‘ Momster-Mode’ – they go into their freak-out and lose control. Except we are the adults here and need to take responsibility.
Being the Safe Space
So the next time a situation arises we need to be aware that not only are they feeling discouraged, but they are also feeling their strong and overwhelming emotions, and they have no idea how to rationalise them or handle them…And be reminded that we too are also in an emotionally triggered mode.
So our children need us to be the adult and to be their safe holding space for them and their overwhelming feelings. They need to feel trusted and safe that we will be there for them when their behaviour and emotions go too far. To do this we need to be our safe holding container for our emotions.
And secondly, after we have become this, we can look to find what our children need.
- Hold the awareness that yes when our children are acting out…we can encourage them instead of demoralising them.
- Tell yourself and your body that this is not a life and death situation.
- Breathe deeply- the calmer we breathe the calmer our thoughts and emotions.
- Take a moment- rest– before responding. This needs to be developed like a muscle. Just take as much time as you need to be able to quieten the inner dialogue to reach your inner wisdom which we all have.
– Just witness and feel your inner voice. Be open, curious and honour what is happening. We are allowing time for our wisest action to arise. We want to be in a state of calmness before we respond. You don’t need to say anything rash- suspend the judgement and opinions.
- Now comes the pertinent step – Ask yourself “What does my child need here?
Ask questions like:
- “What is their learning moment to help them grow and be whole?
- “What helps them in the long run?”
- “Is this the right time for this confrontation?”
- “How have I played a role in this situation? “
- “what is the most compassionate way of handling this situation?”
Do they need help in settling down? Or need to go earlier to bed? Need to learn self-control when over watching tv or screening? Do they spend too much time with their friends and not enough on their homework? Are they too much alone?
Then respond to balance the need…
Here’s a video that explains where our triggers come from.
Was Live Now✨💗✨for Parents- those moments where we lose it with our children. 😕Understanding why – the magic of that moment (yes there is) and how this knowledge navigates is out of the pattern. Our children lead us into our destiny as much as we do then for theirs.Awareness and compassion for all of us on this journey 🌿🌺🌿
Posted by Rest2flow on Tuesday, 21 May 2019